Just Your Average Novice
by Seshka
Summary: A story about a young ShinRa guard and the numerous pranks he had to suffer just for being a newbie .:ZackXCloud:. PRE NIBELHEIM. Contains hints of yaoi, crack, and CLACK.


"Get it out! Urgh, I'll do anything, just get it out!"

That was the only thing that could be heard over the loud obnoxious laugher of the rest of the Shin-Ra guards.

All of them were rounded up watching the newbie squirm. Whenever someone would catch the boy off guard, they would pull a prank at him. It was like a curse he had to suffer just for being new there.

"Ack! It just touched me _there._"

The youngest of the guards was a boy named Cloud Strife. He was currently jumping and attempting to remove his pants in the middle of field practice. It seems somebody thought it would be funny and dropped a lizard down his pants. And now all of the squad and was laughing at the boy's current predicament.

"That's enough! You all had your laughs so you call all leave now".

His best friend, a young man named Zack, had appeared a little late but saved him nonetheless. Since he was a high ranking SOLDIER, all of the guards did as he told and left quickly from the scene. Now that Cloud was saved, he removed the squirmy lizard out of his pants and place it somewhere safe without everyone watching at laughing at him.

"There you go little fellow. Now don't you get in my pants again."

Then his best friend began laughing like crazy.

"Cloud, it's not like it's that hard to get in your pants anyway."

And then Zack was hit right on the face with one of Cloud's smelly old socks.

"Ew! Is this how you repay the person that just saved you from further humiliation?"

"No, that's Nibelheim's way of showing everlasting gratitude."

When Cloud said this, his voice was dripping with sarcasm, but Zack seemed to believe it was true.

"You're serious?! You country bumpkins are so barbaric. Here in Midgar we show gratitude with our bodies."

At this Zack winked suggestively at Cloud.

"I was being sarcastic, you know."

"I still want my gratitude kiss, you know."

And Cloud threw his other sock at him.

"Well, an apology kiss for smacking socks at my face would work too."

And then he got a boot thrown at him. 

"Can you shut up already?!"

Cloud was now getting really annoyed by his best friend. For a First Class SOLDIER, he was surely immature.

"Nuh-uh! You'll run out of things soon and will have to throw all of your clothes at me."

At this Cloud groaned and rubbed his temples. There was a limit to the amount of Zack one could take and he had almost reached it. But of course he couldn't yell at him. After all he was still Zack, his best friend that had saved his incompetent ass on numerous occasions. He owed Zack a lot, so even if most of the time he's an annoying pain in the butt, he's still his best buddy. 

"Okay Zack, I'll make it up to you. I'll do anything you want me to do if it makes you happy."

"_Anything?_"

Zack grinned in a way that would make the Cheshire cat tremble. Cloud saw this and corrected himself before the SOLDIER got the wrong idea.

"Well, almost anything. That means no sex, no sexual favors, and none of the other perverted things you're thinking of right now." 

"D'aww, you're no fun. Maybe later?"

And he gave Cloud _the look_. That kicked-puppy look that could make Cloud do almost anything for him. Almost, but not quite. And since Cloud wouldn't give in, he resisted it.

"No way! I'm exhausted by getting my ass kicked by all the guards and suffering their stupid pranks. Right now I'm filthy! And even if I wasn't we're friends. Friends don't do those things."

"Then let's not be friends anymore!"

With this Cloud stormed off from the practice field. He was mad at Zack, that was certain, but the real reason he left was to shower because he indeed was downright filthy. But even after washing himself up he felt like crap. He couldn't believe they got into an argument because of Zack's teasing. He was always getting teased, he should be used to it, but for some reason he just snapped at Zack and now their friendship was at risk.

"Maybe we weren't such good friends after all…"

That was the last thing in Cloud's mind before he drifted to sleep in Shin-Ra's nap room not even bothering to change into something first.

"Bwa ha ha, look at how pretty he looks!"

"Somebody get a camera! This is just too priceless to pass up."

"What the hell?! What did you guys do to that poor kid?"

"Urgh?"

"I think he's waking up!" 

Cloud woke up only to find himself completely surrounded by people, Shin-Ra guards to be more precise. He blinked a couple of times to clear his vision. All of the guards surrounding him wore their uniforms, so it was hard to tell them apart from each other. Another thing that all of the guards had in common, was the fact that they were all laughing at him. He knew he was the cause of his amusement, it was not surprising.

As soon as the boy tried getting up from the bed he found his hands and feet were bound. He tried to yell, but also found himself gagged. This situation had just changed from bad to worse. He argued with Zack for something silly, and now it was probably going to cost him hell.

"Mmrph!"

He kept trying to make as much noise as one could when gagged, but all that did was make the guards laugh harder, if that was even possible.

"Smile for the camera."

Then one of the many guards took a picture of him and he was momentarily stunned by the bright flash. He had to blink quite many times to clear the spots on his vision.

"How cute! You look just like a little rag doll."

The guard that said this handed him the picture he had just taken and chuckled amusedly at Cloud's expression when he saw the picture. It was a picture of him, of Cloud Strife. The one that aspired to be one of Shin-Ra's best someday. What was so special about this picture? Cloud had apparently gotten a makeover, courtesy of the evil pranksters from his squad.

He was wearing a relatively small dress. It was the kind of dress that not even the whores from Honeybee Inn would wear. He wondered briefly who did the dress belong to but somehow he just didn't want to know. The sick guards also put on him a disheveled longhaired wig. And to top it all, they put makeup on him. Apparently his makeup was done by Scarlet's makeup artist because he almost had on as much makeup as a clown.

Yes, he definitely looked like a whore, and not of the good kind either.

After Cloud stared at his picture in pure horror, the guards kept laughing and after teasing him a bit more with lewd comments and left him there. They were probably gone for guard duty and left Cloud to get in trouble again for skipping job.

Cloud gave a breath of relief. At least they were gone for now. And since he couldn't really get up from the bed, he tried to sleep to no avail. So he just lay on the bed hoping someone would take pity on him and untie him before he outgrew the dress. And just when he thought all hope was lost Zack entered the room. Maybe after seeing Cloud so miserable they would make up?

"Cloud, I didn't knew you were into this kind of stuff."

Cloud attempted to throw a comeback at him, but since he was still gagged, all that was heard were muffled sounds coming from him.

And then Zack laughed.

"Oh ho ho! I see little Cloud is in need of rescuing. Good thing that Zack is here."

More muffled attempts at speaking came from Cloud.

"I will free you on one condition. After I unbind you we will make up, and then we can maybe make out?"

And he received a kick on his leg by Cloud. 

"I came here to rescue you and you kick me?! The Zack is not amused."

He then leaned down onto the mortified Cloud's face until they touched nose-to-nose.  
And then he tickled Cloud's ribs. After hearing the racket, one of Zack's fellow SOLDIER buddies entered the room. What he saw left him speechless. On the public nap room, Zack was half leaning over a scantly clad blonde that was bound to the bed and Zack's hand was in the blonde's dress.

"Zack! Why the hell are you doing it in a public room when you have private quarters?! Geez I swear you don't use you brain half the time…"

At this the SOLDIER left and Zack picked Cloud up bridal style. Cloud just looked up at him in shock.

"You heard the man. To my private quarters we go, Claudia!

"Mrph?!"

"Would you rather have everyone in the whole Shin-Ra building know your secret hobby? I thought so. Well, off we go, Claudia!"

And Zack stormed off to his quarters quicker than a chocobo could run off from a battle. 


End file.
